IVF is in my future

Learning we had to do IVF was overwhelming but at the same time I felt a huge relief. I always told myself we wouldn't have to do IVF. That I was going to get pregnant on my own or maybe after a "little" help. I tried to have positive thinking about it. I really didn't think it was going to come to IVF and I really didn't want it to. Probably because I heard IVF was REALLY expensive and I didn't know alot about the process but in my mind IVF is the last straw, its the thing you do when everything else has failed. You kind of have to face the fact that you're running out of things to try which is a little scary. I assumed I would succeed with something before it came to IVF. Bear with me and get ready for a long post, I want to give a little history here so you can understand why I felt some "RELIEF" when I learned I had to do IVF. I had surgery on halloween of 2012.  My endometriosis was burned off, and a cyst was drained. I also got my tonsils out at the same time, I wanted one recovery time. Im glad I did it that way too. The recovery from the laparoscopy wasnt too bad, mostly lots of shoulder pain for the first couple days, then the pain from the tonsillectomy took over so Im not sure if I really had any other pain from the laparoscopy. Unfortunately this surgery did not help us get pregnant or take away my cruciating pain that I got one full week each month after month after month. I thought this pain was because of my endometriosis which Im sure was a HUGE part of it but recently I have changed doctors and my new doc found a polyp in my uterus during a water ultrasound(interesting experience, not too painful but definately uncomfortable). Jumping a little ahead to my most recent surgery to explain why I have had so much pain. I had a hysteroscopy and polpy removal on Nov 14 2013 in American Fork hospital. My mom came out from North Dakota to take care of me and support me with the recent news that I had to do IVF to get pregnant. When I woke up the doc told me it was a lot worse than he thought. Instead of just one polyp I had multiple polyps and normally he can just scrape them out but had to use cautery(burn) to remove them. Which pushed the time for my IVF cycle back because my uterus needed more time to heal. Learning about the polyps was also a relief because something could be done and since I've had that surgery I haven't been in cruciating pain! I feel liberated and I dont dread aunt flo like I used to! I've also stopped saying, "I want a hysterectomy NOW!" I never meant it because I obviously want my uterus to perform its function and protect and grow a perfect little babe for nine months but I was always really angry at my uterus for being so cruel to me!(excuse the rant) So anyawys back to my infertility history.... we were only on birth control for a few months after we got married and then I had a feeling that I should stop taking birth control, which made it even more confusing when we weren't getting pregnant. The doctor says that if you aren't preventing then you are trying. Which makes sense but sometimes I felt like, well we aren't TRYING to get pregnant so that time doesn't count but the doctor counts it so in total we have been trying to have a cute little bundle of joy for about 3 years and 9 months. ( I know there are so many others out there that have been trying for A LOT longer and I admire your strength and determination to have a family and pray for your success). There is so much stress involved when trying to have a baby and getting a negative pregnancy test month after month and for me a painful week to follow that only reminded me that I wasn't pregnant. One time my cycle didn't come for 45 days, I was POSITIVE I was pregnant, I began picking out names, staying away from paint fumes, being extra careful at work around x-ray, worrying about going on a roller coaster, afraid to eat sushi, finding fun ways to tell my family and friends, dreaming of rocking my little one to sleep, and all the other things that you plan when you think you are pregnant… well obviously mother nature came and I was HEARTBROKEN. This wasn't the first time I thought I was pregnant nor would it be the last, but it was the most convincing. Sometime after that we were scheduled to do IUI. I was excited because it was going to get me pregnant, the doctor said that IUI was made for people like me and Gavin. Well It came with more stress as well. I for the life of me could NOT figure out when I was ovulating. I was trying so many ovulation tests (the one you spit on, different brands from the store, temp, etc). It was at that time that we got overwhelmed and needed to take a break for awhile, so if the advice, “stop trying and you will get pregnant” were true then I would have a baby. Because we completely stopped for awhile and just relaxed and enjoyed life. After some time we decided to try on our own AGAIN. We were finally able to track when I was ovulating, (which did seem a little late). I bought some cheap ovulation tests on amazon and just took them twice a day so I wouldn't miss it. I wanted to know that me and Gavin REALLY tried before going back to the doctor. Just so we could feel good about it and know we weren't wasting money on infertility. Well we didn't get pregnant so back to the doctor of course because we really want a baby J We once again got set up to do IUI. For some reason I never made that phone call when my ovulation test changed. I didn’t have a good feeling about it. I felt like my body wasn’t ready(interesting because it wasn’t and my polyps were unknown at this point). I also just felt like we were missing so many steps and things. Like bloodwork, drugs, etc. Well we were praying every night to find the right doctors to help us and ones we felt confident with. I talked to my cousin who has gone through more with infertility than anyone should have to and she told me that It was really important to have a doctor I trusted and when all is said and done I would know I did everything possible. I knew she was right but feared I would never find that doctor. Fortunately our prayers were answered. It’s a long story(But good one!) on how we actually found our doctor and got our first consultation but lets just say its wasn’t by chance. We went to a free infertility seminar and immediately felt confidence in Dr. Foulk and were excited to make the switch of doctors. He is very specialized with lots of experience and we knew he was the doctor we have been looking for. That alone brought relief. Confidence in our doctor. At our consultation we expected to get set up once again to do IUI with him. We were told to bring ALL medical history for him to review. We waited in a room for about 30 minutes for him because he was reading my life history lol. He came into the room and apologized for making us wait but he wanted to read ALL of our history, I felt a little bad but glad that he was so thorough. He started explaining numbers and quickly got to the point. Its interesting but quite common that infertile people find each other. Gavin and I both smiled and laughed. He then said, Our next step for you two is IVF. WOA! WAIT! WHAT!? I wasn't sure if I was going to burst into tears or explode with this weird feeling of excitement. Gavin and I kept looking at each other for the rest of the time with almost happy tears in our eyes and definately excitement. It was so unexpected. He then got us set up to do IVF. It was all happening so fast. I remember getting into the car and neither Gavin nor I really knew what to say. We were definatley relieved though. No more tracking my ovulation, no more trying on our own just to keep failing. Now we had a plan. A plan that has worked for so many others. I have honestly been so happy and excited since I found out I have to do IVF. I of course have been through a roller coaster of emotions but can say that I am excited. Some of my feelings
- I don't want to tell ANYBODY
-I want to tell EVERYBODY
- ANXIETY about work and needing time off
-ANXIETY about needing to drive up north so much
-ANXIETY that it is the last thing to try
-ANXIETY that it wont work the first try
-ANXIETY about getting shots in my belly
-ANXIETY because I will be judged for who I choose to tell(lately everyone!)
-EXCITEMENT that it WILL work
-EXCITEMENT that I have a 30% chance of having twins, (I cant even imagine the joy of having TWO babies, I have wanted a baby for SOOO long)
-EXCITEMENT to be able to experience pregnancy and join the club with all my friends and family
-EXCITEMENT to finally be doing something serious to get my family here
-The smallest things can make me CRY, what is wrong with me?!
-HAPPINESS for telling friends and family because of all the love and support I get from them
-REGRET for telling so many people about IVF(I want to have some people excited and surprised when we announce our pregnancy.So if I haven't told you and you are reading this please dont feel bad) 
-FEAR of starting a blog and sharing these feelings, really worried people would judge me for talking about IVF on a public website. But honestly its just different for EVERYONE. I actually like the benefits of people knowing about IVF more than the fear of people knowing. 
-I don't want people to think I feel bad for myself because I am struggling to get pregnant
-I want to be perceived as a HAPPY person because I am, everyon has trials, this is just mine
- FAITH that everything will work out the way it is supposed to
-TRUST in my Father in Heaven to send me my babies when it is the right time
-KNOWLEDGE that I will have a family someday
-GRATEFULNESS for this strengthening my marriage and bringing us closer
-GRATEFULNESS for friends who have been there for me and for really inspiring comments thus far
-GRATEFULNESS for my family and their support
-GRATEFULNESS for a different perspective on having children
-GRATEFULNESS for a deeper appreciation for pregnancy and babies
-LOVE for my husband and his strength through this process


And how can I forget ANXIETY about finances. It is VERY hard when fertility isn't covered under insurance BUT totally worth it. Gavin explains it this way, "You would pay 10,000 dollars or more for a car, 100,000 dollars and most likely more for a house, so paying for a baby is the best money ever spent for what you are getting." You cant really put a price on it. 


All in all, finding out we have to do IVF has been a relief. It sounds odd but knowing my history maybe you can see why. I am really excited to do IVF. Its for sure not how I imagined my babies being conceived but as my mom pointed out to me when I told her, "how cool that we have the technology around to fertilize an egg OUTSIDE of your body and then put it back in". I am continuously praying for my babies and hope that this is my year to be a momma! :) 


I would love any feedback. It took a lot of courage to share this and I hope it can help someone else. I am sorry it isn't as upbeat and positive as my last post. As always thank YOU everyone who continuously prays for us and thinks about us and shares our hope of having little Gavin and Gina's running around. We love you and are greatful for your support. 

Love
Gina