My IVF coordinator called. I thought it would be to tell me my bloodwork looked good but when she said "Do you have a minute to discuss your results" I knew something was wrong. The rest was really a blur. She told me my HCG levels had dropped to 24. This meant I didn't have a viable pregnancy anymore. WHAT. I was in shock. I walked into the kitchen and poked gavin in the side while I had my bottom lip out and tears in my eyes. I put the phone on speaker. She told us it was a biochemical pregnancy. I had no idea what that meant but a few hours later I learned a few things from google. A chemical pregnancy means you lose the baby before you ever see it on an ultrasound. Once you have seen the baby on ultrasound it is then considered a "clinical" pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy does in fact mean you were pregnant.
She told me a few other things but I don't remember all of it. She made sure I understood to stop taking my shots. Last time I had done a fresh cycle so this was my first time doing a frozen transfer. In my opinion the shots for the frozen transfer are worse but that could be because its been a few years. The shots are painful as crap. This is the first time I was depressed I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning and give myself a shot. She told me I would continue to have bloodwork done until my HCG was 0. They would make sure I don't have an ectopic pregnancy. This phone call happened on a Monday night. She told me I would have bloodwork done Friday and then we would schedule a follow up appointment with my Dr.
She said she was sorry several times, I think I was frozen and not responding to anything she was saying. I finally found some words and basically just tried to make sure I understood, "so stop taking my shots and the next step is to have bloodwork done Friday?" She confirmed and then said sorry again and we ended the phone call. I walked a few steps into my living room and basically just collapsed. I started sobbing uncontrollably. It was painful. Gavin scooped me up into his arms and held me. My boys came over and held my hand and asked over and over "Mommy ok?".
I took the next few days off work and thought I would miscarry soon. I actually didn't miscarry until one week after the phone call. I happened to be at work. I passed a blood clot the size of my palm. Within the next hour I became extremely tired. My friend pointed out I was probably anemic from the loss of blood. I went home from work and just relaxed and sat with my feelings. i had my follow up appointment with my doctor and we set a plan to do a transfer in December. It ended up that I had a very large cyst on my ovary and my hormone levels were way off. They were too high which meant I would need another period before doing another transfer. We set up a new calendar to do a transfer in January. They put me on another round of birth control and we basically just started over.
This experience has helped me a ton to feel for others who miscarry and it has made me appreciate when things go right. Looking forward to my next transfer with a little anxiousness.
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